Keiji Gets a Job
by In Soviet Russia
Summary: One day, Matsu tells Keiji to get a job. That is where his quest begins... Rated T for Motochika! XD


_**Author's Note:**_ OK, so this was the product of too much Samurai Heroes, three diet Cokes, and "I'm On a Boat" on a loop for about an hour. I decided it was a day for getting shit _done_, so... yeah. The three cards I drew from my box of wonders were "Keiji" "purse" and "get a job". And that's how this was born... XD

It was another humid, sunny day outside. Keiji was lazing about on the couch in the living room of his older brother Toshiie's house. He was getting bored, as one can only stare at blank beige walls for so long without starting to feel the insanity setting in. Deciding to do something more interesting, he got up from his seat and ventured off to see what Matsu was up to.

Matsu, a tall, thin woman with brown hair and Toshiie's wife, stood in the middle of the dining room collecting some of the dirty dishes her slob of a husband had left behind. She carefully carried them across the carpet and into the kitchen, where she placed them in the sink with the rest of the growing pile of silverware and plates. She turned, presumably to go get more, but she jumped back when she saw Keiji.

"Jesus, Keiji, you scared me! What the hell!"

"But, but! Matsu-chan, you knew I was here this whole time! I kinda, you know, _live _here..."

"Yeah, but I never actually expected you to get up off the couch."

"That... that hurts, Matsu."

"Not my fault you're... not very active."

"No matter," Keiji continued. "I'm bored."

"Fantastic," Matsu replied offhandedly as she added ingredients into a pot boiling on the stove, expecting him to wander off somewhere or go lie back down as he usually did.

He was quiet for a moment or two, playing with the feather in his hair and watching her cook. Man, Matsu made good food. He wondered where she'd learned how.

"Say, Matsu-chan, who taught you how to cook?" Keiji asked, leaning on the counter across from her and watching her add salt, then stir the broth.

"My father. He was very skilled," she said, still paying as little attention to him as she could.

"Ah."

It was awkward again for a little while.

"Soooo... Watcha making?"

She looked at him like he was an idiot. "I'm making soup, Keiji," she said slowly.

"Oh. Stupid question."

"Mhmm."

"Well then... Umm, what's your favorite color?"

"Keiji, I swear to whatever god is out there..."

"What! I'm booooreeeedddd."

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Then get a job or something! Save up some money to get a car, or maybe an apartment! I don't know, just go do whatever it is you do during the day... but do it _somewhere else_." She turned to get back to stirring and adding.

'Huh,' Keiji thought. 'A job? That sounds interesting. Maybe I should ask some of the guys...'

The first on his list was Kanbe Kuroda. Kanbe lived in a rather small apartment with a few of his friends from college. He made his way up the (questionably safe) stairs, then knocked on the door. Almost immediately, one of Kanbe's friends answered.

The man looked at Keiji suspiciously, taking note of the feather, the flower, and especially the monkey. "The hell d'you want?" he asked gruffly (or drunkenly, he couldn't tell).

"I'm here to see Kanbe... is he in?"

"Yeah, jus' a sec... KURODA! THERE'S A HIPPIE KID HERE T'SEE YA!"

"Gimme a minute!" came the reply from across the apartment.

Soon, Keiji heard thunderous footsteps approaching. In the doorway stood an abnormally tall and muscular-looking man wearing a yellow "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt. He had his two index fingers stuck in a small tube.

"Goddamnit Kanbe, again?" Keiji asked, half annoyed, half seriously amused.

"Shut up! This is Asian trickery at work!" the bigger guy yelled, obviously not seeing the humor in this situation.

"But _you're_ Asian, dude..."

"...Irrelevant!" he scowled, not happy at having the flaw in his logic pointed out. "The thing is, I've got my fingers stuck in this thing AND MY HAIR IS BACK IN MY EYES AND NO AMOUNT OF HAIRFLIPS WILL GET IT OUT."

"...Here, let me see that..."

Keiji showed him how to escape from the trap, then took the tube away from his friend.

"Hey, why'd you take it? I wanted to keep that."

"I knew you'd be dumb enough to try this again, and I figured I should just save everyone else the trouble... Anyway, I came over here 'cause Matsu suggested I get a job. Whaddya think?"

"A job?" Kanbe asked, scratching his chin. "Huh. Well, I hear they always have openings at fast food joints... plus, you get some free food if you work enough hours."

"Sounds cool," Keiji said thoughtfully. Suddenly, there was a rather loud thud from the apartment. "Well, I'll let you handle that... Thanks, bro."

The taller man nodded and went inside. As Keiji was walking back down the stairs, he heard Kanbe yelling at his friends. "Jesus fucking christ, guys, what the hell have I told you about fucking around with my Pokemon card collection! And who the fuck went and stepped on my Flareon! I am about to kick some ASS!"

The ponytailed man decided he should probably walk a hell of a lot faster.

"Wait," Toshiie said. "You told Keiji to what?"

"I told him to get a job," Matsu replied sternly. "He's been living with us for too long. I love him and all, but... He needs his own place, Toshiie."

The man nodded. "I understand. But... how long has he been gone?"

"About an hour or so, why?"

Toshiie shuddered. "I wonder where he's gone off to..."

*Meanwhile, at Motochika's house...*

Keiji and Motochika sat outside on some white plastic lawn chairs in Motochika's front yard.

"The fuck you mean, 'a job'? Jobs are for _pussies,_" the white haired guy said.

"But don't you have a job, Motochika?" Keiji asked, adjusting the flower in his hair.

"Psh, fuck no. I look like a pussy to you, asshole?"

"..."

"'s what I fucking thought."

"But then how do you pay bills?"

"I have a neighbor who pays me to stay off his property."

"Really? How'd you get him to do that?"

"Well, it's a funny story actually. You set fire to one lawn gnome, and no one fucking forgets. It was a total fucking accident, too! These people need to live a little."

"How the _fuck _did you _accidentally _set fire to a lawn gnome?"

"Unimportant."

There was a short pause as Keiji tried to figure out the lawn gnome incident.

"Hey, look, there he is now! Hiya, Nari-channnnn!"

Keiji looked up to see a feminine-looking guy in a suit with almost shoulder length brown hair who was making a disgusted face at Motochika, probably for being referred to as "Nari-channnnn".

"My name is Motonari, you hoodlum. Address me as such."

"Aw, don't be like that! I promise I've stayed on my side of the fence!" he shouted teasingly at the other. "Mostly," he added, quietly enough that Motonari couldn't hear.

Motonari kept up his glare the entire way to his car, then got in and left, probably for work.

"Well, Motochika, this has been fun, but I should probably get going," the brown haired man said, standing. "See you the next time you break into Toshiie's house to raid our fridge. Sunday sound good?"

"You bet your ass I'll be there," Motochika said, closing his one good eye and not bothering to get up from the chair. "See ya."

"It's been so quiet today," Matsu sighed. "It's so nice."

"It is," Toshiie agreed.

"I can't help but feel like something bad is going to happen, though..." Matsu said.

There was a sudden rumbling from Toshiie's direction. "Oh god, I ate too fasssssttttt..."

Matsu's face scrunched up in mild disgust. "Ugh, Toshiie! Go to the bathroom!"

By the time the sun was setting and Matsu was beginning to get worried, Keiji knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life. After visiting almost all of his friends, including Kenshin and Yukimura, he finally decided that his real calling was the idea Masamune had suggested.

He pushed open the door to Toshiie's house, slipping the key back in his pocket and grinning widely at his brother and aunt. "Hey Matsu, look! I got a job!"

"What." Toshiie just stared. There was just no way... What the hell..?

Was Keiji carrying... a purse? Did he see eyeshadow? Lipstick?

"I know, right? I was totally born to do this! It's like being a spy or something! You get to dress up and stuff!" Keiji replied enthusiastically, and somewhat cluelessly.

"Tell us more about your... ahem, job," Matsu said, trying to stifle her laughter.

"Oh, right! I guess I should explain how I landed one this awesome. It all started when I went to visit my good friend Date..."

*At Date's House*

"So, you're trying to find work?" Masamune asked, looking at him with his one good eye. "This... this is what you woke me up from my afternoon nap for."

"You were sleeping this late in the day?" Keiji asked, confused.

"I work the night shift, dumbass. The LATE night shift," the one-eyed dragon replied, hiding his annoyance. Then, an evil grin spread across his face, unnoticed by the rather oblivious Keiji. "Say, I think I know just the thing for you..."

"And that's how I became a 'Queen'! Isn't Masamune a generous friend? I'm royalty now!" Keiji smiled innocently, obviously not grasping the meaning of the word 'queen' in this context.

"...Handle this, Toshiie."

"Not it. Not it not it not it not it not- Wait, Matsu! Come back! No! Don't go upstairs! At least help- !" Toshiie cried, clawing at the air as Keiji carefully reapplied his blush as Masamune had instructed.

This was going to be a long, awkward night.


End file.
